Sunday 5 May 1963

Last week, I found myself in the unusual position of wishing for more Zoonie the Lazoon.  Well, tonight's Fireball XL5 is an object-lesson in being careful what you wish for as it features more of the bizarre creature than anyone could possibly want.  I'll get to that shortly.  First, have a look at the glorious interior design to be found in Space City.

The conference being held within regards the Planet Floran.  Formerly a world of lush vegetation, it's mysteriously become a dry, barren planet overnight.  Steve, Matt and Venus fly out to Floran to find out what's going on - as, handily enough, Venus is a space botanist as well as a space doctor.  As they pick up samples, the Fireball XL5 crew are watched by strange, sharp-snouted creatures.

Meanwhile, back at Space City, Zoonie's being a pain in the arse, as always.  Whistle for Danger gives us some horrifying insights into just how shambolic the running of Space City is (as if we hadn't already gathered).  Not only is a pet allowed to run amok in the control room of an extremely sensitive space patrol organisation (causing lots of smokey, sooty-face explosions), but Commander Zero's way of dealing with it verges on insanity.  He locks Zoonie up and gives him a whistle to play with - purely so he can use it to piss Venus off as much as he has the Commander.  That someone as irresponsibly petty and vindictive as this has risen to such a high-ranking position is deeply worrying.  As is the maniacal laughter that issues from Commander Zero any time he thinks of annoyed Venus will be.

Space Doctor Venus, working in her Space Science Lab, has deduced that the dread plant disease Planetoid 3 has run riot on Floran, killing off all the vegetation. The highly infectious nature of the disease means that on their return to earth our heroes have to go through an elaborate decontamination process.

It's decided that the only way to bring life back to Floran is to explode an Elvium bomb over the planet - the fallout will, apparently, kill off the disease and bring back the plants (I think that's how it's meant to work anyway, I'm no space scientist).  After they set the bomb off, the crew are confronted by the aliens we saw earlier.  They're the natives of Floran, and they invite the humans to dine in their curiously medieval castle.

Seeming friendly at first, the Florans (who for some reason speak with comedy Chinese accents) are in fact livid about the bomb that was set off, convinced it was the first strike in conquering their world (it might have been polite to at least consult the natives about it), and they drug the Fireballers and chuck them in their medieval dungeon.

A call to Fireball XL5 reveals that not only has Zoonie's incessant whistling caused Robert to collapse, but that, in getting to his whistle, Zoonie has knocked over a canister of deadly zellathene gas.  "If we don't get back soon, Zoonie will die!" shrieks Venus.

"He'll die!"

It doesn't seem that much of an impetus to escape quickly, but luckily the unexpectedly rapid return of vegetable life to Floran means a huge vine's grown up outside the window that they can climb down (who builds a dungeon upstairs?).  Not so luckily, there are man-eating plants situated directly below it.

The Florans, convinced by the sudden plant growth of the humans' noble intentions, cut them free, and they're able to save Zoonie.  Has he learned his lesson? No.  The episode ends with him acquiring a brand new toy.

If you want to experience the lunacy of Whistle for Danger for yourself, you can do so here:

And now, we reach the end of our current saga of the Northlands.

Of course, Noggin and Thor Nogsson are currently in more southerly parts, and have been captured and brought before the wicked sheikh and his crony, Noggin's wicked uncle Nogbad.  There's something more than a little bit camp about Nogbad (an unmarried uncle!), with his 'tache and jauntily tied cape.  I find myself strangely attracted to him.

Noggin brings out the genie lent to him by the kindly magician to come to his aid, but the spirit's rapidly scared off when the Sheikh unleashes his own, rather more impressive genie.

Undaunted, Noggin borrows a coin from the surprisingly accommodating sheikh, who uses it to tap on the magic medal that summons Groliffe the ice dragon to his aid.  Groliffe, an utterly charming character, saunters in with a cry of "I say, I say - oh, Noggin what a dreadfully hot place!" The genie's threats to eat him elicit the good-natured response, "Oh, isn't he rude? I suppose I'll have to fight him."

Noggin: I'm awfully sorry to trouble you, old dragon.
Groliffe: Oh no, it's not your fault my dear chap.  Wickedness must be overcome and all that.  It's just that I do rather hate fighting.

And with a cry of "Have at thee, figment!" battle is joined. The genie continues to make threats:

Genie: I will tear you up and spread you all over the sky like a sunset!
Groliffe: Oh, what nasty things you say!

"Ooh, what a dirty looking cloud! There should be a law against it."

Groliffe proves too cold for the genie's taste, and freezes bits off him until he's reduced to a tiny ice cube.

Nogbad and the sheikh make off on the magic carpet, but Graculus manages to seize back the crown of the Northlands.  Hooray!

The rightful king's restored to the throne and the victorious Nogs get a jolly good seeing off.  I do love a happy ending.

There'll be another Saga of Noggin the Nog next year.  You can watch the last two episodes of Noggin and the Flying Machine here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5QwlCthkk4

And now, music.  The Beatles are celebrating their first ever number 1 single as "From Me to You" shoots up to the top spot.  Here's another climber, Frank Ifield's "Nobody's Darlin' But Mine" at number 4:

Sunday 28 April 1963

The Fireball XL5 crew have had some splendidly outlandish adventures in recent weeks, but today's tale of interstellar intrigue is disappointingly mundane.  A string of freighters under robotic control have broken down, with the shady Briggs brothers of the Space Salvage Company always in the vicinity to haul away the wreckage.  The Briggses are a startling reminder of how widespread acromegaly will be by 2063.  And their ship looks like it was knocked up on an episode of Blue Peter.

Commander Zero's convinced that the Briggses are sabotaging the freighters, but proof of how they're doing it remains elusive.  Could it have anything to do with Space City engineer Jock's sinister Hispanic assistant  Edmundo? Why yes it could, thanks very much for asking.

From the second he appears it's blatantly obvious that Edmundo's sabotaging the freighters, though we're bafflingly kept in "suspense" about it for a while.  But then, in the still of the night, as the Space City personnel are sleeping, out he creeps to attach an explosive device to the latest freighter under construction.  As he goes about his furtive business we get to see both Jock and Steve Zodiac in their beds, and their contrasting choice of art.  Committed stereotype Jock has a traditional Scots painting (and a Tam O'Shanter nearby), while Steve has plumped for an abstract, modernist image.

"Edmundo is not so stupid as they all think!" chortles the evil engineer as he carries out his nefarious deed - referring to oneself in the third person being an internationally recognised sign of high intelligence.  Undoubtedly the best thing about the episode is the fabulous twangy guitar tune that accompanies Edmundo's hovercar flight to the Briggs Brothers' swamp hideout.

Steve accompanies the new freighter into space to see what happens to it, but the Briggses trick him into going to check out a fake distress call.  The next night he catches Edmundo in the act of sabotage, and ties him and the brothers up aboard a freighter with a device that will explode unless they confess.  Questionable ethics, to say the least.  It's a tense wait to see whether the criminals will crumble or blow up.  Commander Zero for one breaks into quite a sweat about it.

The hard-bitten Briggses are convinced Steve's bluffing but Edmundo, being a cowardly Latin type (blame scriptwriter Alan Fennell for that, not me) loses his nerve and confesses all.  But it's too late - the device is going to go off anyway!

Ha ha, that fooled 'em!

The Robot Freighter Mystery suffers from a distinct lack of, well, mystery, for one thing.  And Venus for another.   And (I can't believe I'm saying this) an even more distinct lack of Zoonie.  It's just not as fun as usual.  Thankfully, the same can't be said for this week's Noggin.

You may remember that last week we left a disguised Noggin and a dragged-up Thor Nogsson as they were about to trek across the sea of silver sands to the palace of Sheikh Ahmad-al-Ahmad.  This week they've reached their destination, but poor Thor's still struggling with the rudiments of camel riding.  While he's been waiting for them, Graculus has found some local birds to chat up.  Noggin wants to let him know they've arrived.  "You wave, Noggin, it's unladylike for me to wave," says Thor, showing an admirable commitment to character.

Graculus's friends have informed him of a blind sweetmeat seller who can show them the way in to the palace.  His list of wares is impressive: "Delights from Turkey! Farthing bananas! Cakes from Pontefract! Buy a sherbet dab! The eyes of bulls! All sorts of liquorice!" In exchange for a piece of gold he reveals the secret entrance to our heroes.  I love the peacock design on the outside of the palace.  Glorious.

Inside, Noggin and his friends watch as the Arab who stole Noggin's crown gives it to the Sheikh... only for him to crown Noggin's wicked uncle Nogbad!

Erm, that bodyguard's a bit dubious

But Noggin's attempt to straighten Thor's veil leads to a sneezing fit, alerting the villains to our friends' presence...

"Pull that veil over your face, you're supposed to be a lady!"

This week's hit parade: Gerry and the Pacemakers remain in the top spot, but hot on their heels is another Liverpool group, the very popular Beatles, climbing from 23 to 3 with their latest waxing, "From Me to You".

Sunday 21 April 1963

And what, you may well ask, is a Granatoid Tank? Well, it's a near-unstoppable tank driven by the evil robotic Granatoids.  Here's one, with its grumpy face, and its equally grumpy occupants (being robots, they talk in exactly the same way as Fireball XL5 pilot Robert).

George? Gerald? Grenville? We're never told

The Granatoids are bulldozing their way around Planet 73, recently discovered by the people of Earth, and being surveyed by a pair of Germanic scientists who are terrified of the unfriendly robots.  Helpfully, they sketch in some information about the Granatoids: "Zere is nussing zat can stop zem - zey are robots of hostile intelligence zat have been seeking a home for years."

Considering all they want's a  home, and Planet 73 seems a pretty unpromising spot, it strikes me that the best thing might just be to pack up and leave it to the Granatoids - but what do I know? Anyway, back at Space City there's the equally urgent problem of Space Doctor Venus's upcoming birthday.  Steve Zodiac and Matt Matic have decided to pool their resources and buy her a record she might like, and head to Space City's number one music-buying destination, Ma Doughty's record shop.

Ma Doughty herself is a ridiculous Oirish washerwoman stereotype (near enough every other word is "begorrah"), and the pale-eyed, lumpy-faced, eyebrowless utility puppet used for her looks distinctly sinister.

Still, she certainly seems to know her music, recommending "Formula 5", a gorgeous Barry Gray jazz tune.  At this distance it seems unlikely that people in 2063 will be buying jazz instrumentals on vinyl from little old ladies in record shops, but it's certainly a nice thought.  Here's a snatch of "Formula 5" for you.

As well they might, Steve and Matt groove away to the tune ("it sure is a cool number," judges Steve) in Ma Doughty's listening area (featuring various props familiar from earlier episodes)...

...but then they spot a strange, piano-like instrument in the corner.  It's an electrorchestra, which can reproduce the sound of any instrument.  You might almost call it some sort of "synthesiser".  Matt, showing a hitherto unsuspected musical side, gives us an expert demonstration (playing the standard Fireball XL5 "twist" tune used on the surprisingly frequent occasions in the show we see someone having a bit of a bop - as Steve and Ma Doughty do here).

Money clearly being no object, Steve and Matt decide to upgrade Venus's present from a 7" single to the massive (and presumably very pricey) electrorchestra.  Ma Doughty agrees to deliver it to Fireball XL5, but burning with desire to travel in space due to her Pappy being an early astronaut, she stows away in the box herself.  Eventually she's discovered when the XL5 crew head off to Planet 73 to answer the scientists' distress call.

Kept aboard the ship to ensure she doesn't get in the Granatoids' way, Ma Doughty insists that her Pappy bequeathed to her the secret of defeating the robots.  Nobody's in the mood to listen to a crazy Irish stereotype, though.  But it turns out that Ma's necklace is made from plyton, an incredibly scarce mineral fatal to Granatoids, and by standing in front of them she manages to frighten them off (I told you she was scary looking).

"Return to Granatoid!" the head robot commands, raising the question of why they're looking for a home if they've already got one.  No answer's forthcoming.

With crazy old Ma Doughty vindicated, and Venus's birthday here, it's time to party like its 2099!

The Granatoid Tanks is here, for your delectation.

Far back in the mists of time, we return to Noggin, King of the Nogs' quest to catch the wicked Arab who's stolen his crown.

Noggin's flying machine is airborne once more, and has reached the Sea of Silver Sand.  Spying a little house by a stream, Noggin and chums set the flying boat down, though Thor Nogsson's terrified the house belongs to an evil wizard.

He's half right: the occupant's a wizard, but a friendly one named Haroun Ibn-Dowd with a peculiar-looking genie (of which Thor Nogsson's predictably terrified) as his servant.

Haroun's more than happy to help Noggin in his search, revealing that the rightful king of the land has been usurped by his evil uncle.  He lends Noggin the genie to help, as well as disguises and mounts for him and Thor.  I can only quote Oliver Postgate's narration here: "Noggin looked quite peculiar.  And Thor Nogsson, veiled and robed like an Arab lady, looked even odder."

I'm not sure how we're meant to take the fact that Thor, with his massive beard, is playing the woman of the two.  To complete his humiliation, he has a great deal of trouble with his steed.

"Have you got any which haven't got pointed tops?"

You can watch the omnibus edition of parts 3 and 4 of Noggin and the Flying Machine here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvlTtL5sCJ0

And now for some music.  Gerry and the Pacemakers are still topping the charts with "How Do You Do It?".  Up to number 4 this week here's Tommy Roe with "The Folk Singer".